To Pimp a Socially Awkward Human

As I cry myself to sleep for the third (fourth?) night in a row, I can’t help but think of parents. Both my parents and yours. All this effort to finally meet your parents and it goes nowhere. Originally going from being introduced as your boyfriend, to a friend to now it simply ending there. As I got out of my own comfort zone to meet them and hold conversations with them. That last sentence is beyond the point, but I digress. To both of them apparently liking me (which is a rare accomplishment), to them apparently seeing me cry and saying it’s okay for me to visit you. To them not agreeing with your actions. To them discussing their own lives and what they had to endure.

I think of my own parents and how they bombard me with question after question after question about what your plans are for after graduation. To them not knowing that you ended things and so I have to just tough these questions out and answer with what you provided me prior to ending things. I know this is just me ranting to try and make myself feel better because I have no other outlet, but I can’t help but think of everything. I can’t help but think of the future. But I guess that’s just left to me and my tears.

This quarter has been tough. This past week has been tough. The one thing that I had been looking forward all year. The one sure thing that was keeping me motivated from withdrawing from the quarter, from dropping out, the one thing that kept me sane (other than my own personal health) just decides it’s time to leave. I think what makes it worse is that they have all the support in the world and what do I have? absolutely nothing. Everyone is quick to jump to their aid and making sure that they’re happy, but what am I left with? How am I treated? Like an outcast. Everyone is quick to bring up my imperfections and how I treated them, but no one ever defends me. No one realizes that damage has been done on both sides. While it is important for womxn empowerment, the opposing parties have emotions as well. The opposing party was looking forward to the future. And while the future does change, a boy just needs support.

Every morning, I am more needy than the previous day
Every morning, I yearn for your affection and feel sad when I wake up alone
Every morning, I crave attention like the bratty toddler I am
Every morning, I turn to you for the inspiration to get to class early, to even go to class, to actually start my day

Every morning, I hope that you can read me and alleviate it the next morning

Am I tired? Am I burned out? Who knows? I’ve just been so miserable this past weekend. I don’t think I’ve ever been so unmotivated for finals before. It’s probably also the earliest I’ve started to study for finals. I don’t even know how I’m doing in my classes, except for one. Part of me doesn’t even want to know. I just feel so done with academia. In terms of academics, they’re all over the place and this winter quarter, in terms of classes, it seemed like so much. I don’t even know.

elizadeservesbetter:

I love how Washington can shut Hamilton down so fast. Like the whole show everyone’s like Hamilton is a fORCe OF NatURE he can dO ANYThing and then

 “sir, entrust me with a command” “no” 

“dont call me son” “go home” 

“what do i do” “figure it out” 

“you could continue to serve” “no”

Ah yes, here we are. twenty one years old. it doesn’t feel all that different than what i’m used to. i can now purchase alcohol and tobacco products legally. woo. this birthday does feel a little weird. i’m not sure if it’s because i’m homesick or because i’m stuck with finals and papers. but i think a little part of me likes the attention i receive. iunno. maybe i’ve been spoiled at home. but a part of me just wanted to go out and celebrate a little bit. but oh well. those dreams have to be put aside. i’m just a tiny bit bummed out. but i’m still not sure if it’s because of the paper i’m working on, or because i’m tired and hungry or because a part of me knows i’m going to celebrate the rest of my evening alone. who knows.